Roo Turns Three

For his birthday, I suggested that instead of having a birthday party with friends, we can have a simple family dinner and use the party money to share food and stuff with orphans.  Roo readily agreed.  But there's one thing he's been asking for quite a while now:  Mommy, can I have a violin when I'm three?

Daddy E and I happily bought him one.  From the time we bought the instrument, if at all possible, he doesn't want to part with his violin.  Even brought it with him on the bed for his afternoon nap.  His daddy taught him how to hold and use the bow, and he has since been diligently practicing.  

Happy Birthday our dear Roo!

Mom of a Kind

She would have been 61 today.  If things went as planned, we would have been at the beach in Boracay, celebrating her birthday with the family.  She had been asking for a family reunion, and we were working on the details of having one in December, when my brother would be home for his vacation.  She had been excitedly saving for a trip to Europe in April next year.  Yup, had she a choice, mommy would still have fought and negotiated for a few more years to live her dreams and make sure her family is secure in the Lord.

Well, sixty years, eleven months, and thirteen days were all she was granted.  Oh but them 60 yrs, 11 mos, and 13 days were lived to the fullest to the very last second of her life!  Mommy was a very conscientious daughter to her parents, a true (word not mine, but her brother's) sister to her siblings, a faithful and devoted wife to our dad, a protective and loving mother to us, her children, and a doting grandmother to Roo, her bugoy grandson.

My mom became my best friend, my confidante sometime in my college days. I remember making it a point to go home as often as I could on weekends so I can spend time with my parents.  I guess in a way, that was to make up for all the lost time in high school, when just like any other teenager, I didn't want to hang out, or be seen with my folks.  When I came to Thailand to work after I graduated, my mom painstakingly wrote me long handwritten letters, updating me of news from home and encouraging me in my endeavors. I in turn snail-mailed her pages and pages of my adventures and experiences in the Land of Smiles. In between letters, I called home and the telephone company gained thousands of baht from my homesickness and long talks with my mother.

Mommy was always there for us, our refuge and stronghold in times of trouble.  She was not the affectionate, expressive of mother but we never doubted her strong love for us.  When she became a lola (grandmother) however, a major transformation in my mom unfolded before my eyes.  Her apo (grandson) showered her with hugs and kisses, and in time, my mom loosened up and became comfortable returning the hugs and kisses.  When Roo started talking and said "I love you lola" to her, she answered him with her own sweet "I love you too" without any of the old awkwardness and uneasiness.  She adored her little bugoy and according to my brother who lived with them, talked nonstop about Roo's doings and antics, to them and to anybody who will listen.  She was proud of her apo and I'm thankful that in her last few years, she tasted the sweetness and knew the joys of being a lola.

The Story

Mommy, can you please tell me a story?  I want to know the story when lola died.  Are you sad, mommy?  Don't cry, I'm here for you, mommy!

It was early Sabbath evening.  After spending the whole Sabbath afternoon in Bible study with some people, mommy told my dad she was hungry.  Since they didn't have food ready to eat at home, my dad suggested that they go to the mall and eat pizza.  Off to Greenwich they went and ordered mommy's favorite garden fresh pizza.   Daddy said she had just finished one slice of pizza when she nodded off and lost consciousness.  

Mommy, why did lola die when she ate pizza?  Did lolo carry her to the car? Mommy, why didn't you let me see lola? I just wanted to see if she was okay.  Where did lola die, mommy? Where did they put lola when she died?

Dad rushed her to the hospital but she never regained consciousness.  Just like that.  It's like her life button switch was turned off.  And I guess we'll never really know what happened because all she was able to have was one CT scan.  Doctors said it could have been atrial fibrillation--which meant her heartbeat was irregular.  Blood could have pooled and clotted in her heart, and these clots could have left the heart and become lodged in the MCA of her brain.  Later after exams they said her heart was clean.  Whatever it was, it took away our mom from us.

Right now, I'm kind of in a state of denial.  I want to think mommy is just there in Roxas, at home with daddy.  I want to think that.  I want to believe that.  I cannot believe she is gone.  

But reality, harsh as it is, slams me down in the face when I see the heirloom watch in my watch case. Her favorite bag is on my shelf.  That is exactly why I didn't want to bring any of her things with me.  They make me realize that this is not just a bad dream.  Mommy is not here anymore!  

My heart is so, so sad.  So many questions, so many whys whirling in my troubled mind. I know it's selfish of me to want her back.  She is now at peace.  She is resting from all the worries and cares of this life.  She is safe in the arms of Jesus.  

I know tears will keep flowing.  My heart is mourning.  I praise God for times like these!  It's in times like these that I realize that this earth is not my home.  My heart may be heavy, but in the Lord I choose to rejoice!  For this temporal life will not last long. There's hope of a better, tear-free life in Jesus in the near future.  That grand reunion with mommy, and other dear family and friends, is fast approaching.

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."  Psalm 30:5

Weep if you must...

Deep, Deep Sorrow

It's been a week.  My mom has been gone for a week.  I feel so sad inside, I don't have words for it.  My close friend describes it as sorrow beyond words.  How I miss her.  I miss talking to her. I miss telling her what Roo has been up to; what Roo said, what Roo did.  She would have been so happy that we are all here.  I miss mommy.  Terribly.  

Yet I can't cry.  Tears come trickling every now and then, but I still yearn to have a good, long cry.  I've been distracting myself and trying not to think about it, because I don't want my dad to see me cry.  Or he'd start weeping too.  I don't want my son to see me sad.  That will get him so stressed out again.  

I cry inside.  Deep, deep within me, there's great sorrow for losing someone so dear.  It's like losing my lifeline, so to speak.  Mommy holds a very special place in my heart, in my life, and now that she's gone, it's like there's this big, empty space inside me, that's longing to be filled.  I walk around in a daze, not knowing how to get on with life. I wish this was all a bad dream that I can wake up out of.  

Life.  It's short.  It's fragile.  It is indeed just a gift.  When the breath of life is taken away, you're nothing.  You get buried six feet below the ground, and you don't know a thing.  You don't know how lost your spouse feels without you.  You don't know how much your children yearn to hear your voice one more time.  You don't know how loud your grandson calls for you.  

If only I can do something to bring my mom back.  If only I can turn back time, I'd insist on her seeing a doctor for a complete checkup.  I'd do everything to convince her to come and stay with us in Bangkok where the hospitals have enough facilities to save lives.  I'd tell her over and over again how much she means to me, and how much I love her!  If only...

God, You have given, and You have taken.  Thank you for the gift of having mommy in my life for 32 years!  I look forward to being with her in the resurrection morning.  Lord, I can hardly wait to see her again!  Come quickly, Lord Jesus, come!

Roo's Way of Coping

Tuesday 15 July 2008

At the hospital, outside the ICU...

Roo:  Mommy, I want to see lola please!

Mommy:  Roo, I'm sorry but you can't.  Lola is very sick.  

Roo (shouting, in a tantrum):  I want to see lola!  I want to sing for lola!

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Wednesday 16 July 2008

Lola passed away about 7am.  In spite of everything, because I promised him earlier, I brought Roo to the beach, and we stayed there while everybody else was making arrangements for the burial.  At one point, Roo asked...

Mommy, where's lola?

Lola's sleeping anak.  We won't see her anymore till Jesus comes.

Daddy E and Roo stayed at home during the funeral and burial services, then came to the memorial park right after.  As soon as Roo saw Lolo's very, very sad face, he bawled out loud and started crying so hard we didn't know how to comfort him!  

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Thursday 17 July 2008

In the morning while we were cuddling...

Roo:  Mommy, did lola die?

Mommy (choking back tears):  Yes, anak.  Lola died.

Roo:  Why, mommy?

Mommy:  She was very sick anak.

Roo:  Why, mommy? Did bad people hurt her?

Mommy:  No, anak. Nobody hurt lola.  She just died.  We don't know why she died.

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Friday 18 July 2008

Right after he woke up...

Roo (with tears in his eyes):  Mommy, when I'm big, will you die also like lola, then I won't have a mommy anymore also?

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Saturday 19 July 2008

Roo:  Daddy, let's go home to Thailand.  I like it better in Thailand!

Resting in Peace

Dear friends,

Our beloved mother passed away yesterday morning, and we had a simple but meaningful burial service last night. Our hearts are deeply saddened but we are comforted with the blessed hope of seeing her on the resurrection morning when Jesus comes again.   I thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the prayers, encouragement, and support that you have given me through your comments, phone calls, text messages, emails, thoughts, and prayers.  I may not be able to respond to each of them right now but please be assured that your sympathies and concern are greatly appreciated.  I am grateful to God for all the people He has sent our way, family and friends who were and are giving us so much love and support at this difficult time.  

We take comfort in the words from John 11:25 I am the resurrection, and the life; he that believeth in Me, though he were dead, yet shall he live.

Love to all in Christ,

IA

Trust in the Lord

My mom had a stroke.  She is in the ICU unconscious.  I ask for prayer.  I'm praying that God will heal her.  I claim the promise in Malachi 4:2 for my mom.  ..."Unto you that fear my name shall the Sun of righteousness arise with healing in his wings."

I am afraid.  Yet will I trust in the Lord.  He is faithful.  He is powerful.  O Lord God of our fathers, art not thou God in heaven? and rulest not Thou over all the kingdoms of the heathen? and in thine hand is there not power and might, so that none is able to withstand thee?  2Chronicles 20:6

Thus saith the Lord unto you, Be not afraid nor dismayed...for the battle is NOT yours, but God's.  2 Chronicles 20:15

Praise the Lord for He is our God!  Do pray for us as we travel home to be with my parents.  I believe prayers work wonders, and we do need them.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart!