Mommy, can you please tell me a story? I want to know the story when lola died. Are you sad, mommy? Don't cry, I'm here for you, mommy!
It was early Sabbath evening. After spending the whole Sabbath afternoon in Bible study with some people, mommy told my dad she was hungry. Since they didn't have food ready to eat at home, my dad suggested that they go to the mall and eat pizza. Off to Greenwich they went and ordered mommy's favorite garden fresh pizza. Daddy said she had just finished one slice of pizza when she nodded off and lost consciousness.
Mommy, why did lola die when she ate pizza? Did lolo carry her to the car? Mommy, why didn't you let me see lola? I just wanted to see if she was okay. Where did lola die, mommy? Where did they put lola when she died?
Dad rushed her to the hospital but she never regained consciousness. Just like that. It's like her life button switch was turned off. And I guess we'll never really know what happened because all she was able to have was one CT scan. Doctors said it could have been atrial fibrillation--which meant her heartbeat was irregular. Blood could have pooled and clotted in her heart, and these clots could have left the heart and become lodged in the MCA of her brain. Later after exams they said her heart was clean. Whatever it was, it took away our mom from us.
Right now, I'm kind of in a state of denial. I want to think mommy is just there in Roxas, at home with daddy. I want to think that. I want to believe that. I cannot believe she is gone.
But reality, harsh as it is, slams me down in the face when I see the heirloom watch in my watch case. Her favorite bag is on my shelf. That is exactly why I didn't want to bring any of her things with me. They make me realize that this is not just a bad dream. Mommy is not here anymore!
My heart is so, so sad. So many questions, so many whys whirling in my troubled mind. I know it's selfish of me to want her back. She is now at peace. She is resting from all the worries and cares of this life. She is safe in the arms of Jesus.
I know tears will keep flowing. My heart is mourning. I praise God for times like these! It's in times like these that I realize that this earth is not my home. My heart may be heavy, but in the Lord I choose to rejoice! For this temporal life will not last long. There's hope of a better, tear-free life in Jesus in the near future. That grand reunion with mommy, and other dear family and friends, is fast approaching.
"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5
Weep if you must...
4 comments:
My heart breaks for you. I know the loss you feel is devestating, and nothing that anyone can say will make it better, but my prayer for you is that you will have peace as you mourn
Jackie, I appreciate you! You have been there this whole time, and I'm thankful for all the prayers you've sent and kind thoughts you've shared with me. It's amazing how God's peace fills my heart after a good cry, or after one post here with bucketful of tears. God is telling me over and over, "Everything's going to be fine, I am here for you."
Hello! I am new to your blog, and found it through Wil's site. I'm really sorry for your loss. My heart and prayers are with you.
Hello there, Kayni! Thanks for the visit. And thank you too for your sympathies and prayers.
Post a Comment