Then Sings My Soul -- Gentle Saviour

When I wake up each morning, I ask God to come into my heart and lead me through the day. Still, many times during the day, I stray away from Him and do my own thing, say my own words. I forget. I fall. Yet He is faithful. He is ready to forgive. And He is gentle with me. My gentle Saviour, thank you for everything that You are to me and my family!




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Here's Why...

With Annie snoring quietly on her bouncer, and Roo off to play in the living room, I settle down on the bed thinking I should catch a quick snooze. I wonder how long I can do this--I'm sick and haven't really been feeling well for two days now, and now MY man is also sick himself and cannot help me with the night duties. Had very little sleep for the past 48 hours. I feel light-headed from last night's baby duty and my back aches like somebody hit me hard with a big plank of wood. The painful back, not so much because of carrying the baby this time, but because of the hard massage I got from the spa yesterday. So much for getting relief from back pain--I thought I'd get a back and shoulder massage because I was so sore from the solo night duty the other night. Big mistake--the massage made it worse, my shoulders are much more sore and painful! Can't blame it on the masseuse, yeah she did apply a lot of pressure and kept kneading on that knot in my shoulder like she had a score to settle with me, but hey, I could have told her to stop, right? Anyways...

I close my eyes but as usual my mind is a whirl of thoughts. How I wish I have a "nothing" box--you know the kind that they say guys have? That state of mind that they enter into when they stare into space and look like they're in deep thought but when you ask them what they're thinking about, they invariably reply, "Nothing." My mind never thinks of nothing. There's always a gazillion thoughts going on in it. I will myself to think of a blank piece of paper and within seconds the paper is full of my to-do list. You really need to catch some zzzs now, you have only a few minutes left, I reminded myself. Ha ha! As if that would make me fall asleep. My mind is more awake than ever. Oh well, might as well allow myself to think.

As I organize my thoughts, I could hear Roo playing in the living room. He's apparently fighting in some sort of war because he shouts "Ready, aim, fire!" with subsequent ka-boooom! explosions every few seconds. An occasional stray bullet (piece of block) hits the bedroom door and jerks Annie awake. I get up to check on her but she closes her eyes and dozes back to sleep. Lunch, take a shower, feed Annie, give Roo a bath, buy gas, drive to the supermarket to buy rice, then off to violin lesson. Just thinking of the afternoon ahead makes me more tired. I close my eyes one more time. If I can't sleep, I'd at least get some rest.

The bedroom door bursts open. The big brother really still has a lot to learn about being more quiet around the house when his baby sister is asleep. I kept my eyes shut and feigned sleep. He marched straight to my side, and stood there for a second. I can smell his sweat and imagine big beads of water glistening at the end of his spiky hair (he's growing his buzzed head so the standing spikes of his hair now make him look like a porcupine). I thought maybe this time he's learned his lesson. He's not going to wake me up. Please don't disturb me now, I silently willed him. But no way this boy is going to be deterred from his mission. Nah-uh. My son bent down, wrapped his wet arms around my head, planted a kiss on my cheek and whispered, "Mommy, I love you!" Then without waiting for me to reply, he ran back to the battlefield and resumed his fight with the fervor and ardor of any patriotic soldier.

Sigh (now that's a contented sigh). I smiled to myself. Now this is why and how I survive long and lonely nights, and equally long and sleepless days.

Down but not Out

One downside to my mommying job, I don't have sick leave. I get sick, I take care of myself and still have to take care of the little ones. The daddy tries his best to lighten my load but he has to go to work so I have no choice but to "report to work" myself and just pray really hard that my kids don't catch what I have. No success with Roo, he caught it the second day. Annie is still holding strong-- now I see once more why I have to stick it out with breastfeeding no matter how exhausting it is--apparently, she's getting a good dose of antibodies from the breastmilk, enough to fight against this nasty bug.

The other day, the daddy came home sick. We had to put him in isolation in the other room--had to take precautions just in case he caught a different bug from work. Made it all the more difficult for me--I had to take the whole night duty with the baby all by myself. Two nights in a row now, very little sleep. Can't catch up on sleep during the day too because there's a flurry of activity around the house with our sick-but-still-active boy. Just have to forget that I'm sick--it's a wonder how the mind can control the body. Think that you cannot be sick and your body copes and you manage to take care of your precious ones like you're not. Just have to ignore the pains and aches--no choice but to be strong for the ones I love.

I'm a mommy, I can do this. God help me!

Small Talk

Now what do I write about? Do I start with small talk and say something about the weather? Like, (clearing my throat, ahem!) "And now for the weather report..."

Bangkok is currently enjoying rainy days (mostly nights, actually). Yup, we are so glad the rains have graced us with its refreshing presence. The extended summer season had brought so much heat and humidity that these daily downpours are a welcome respite to all of us. Loud claps of thunder occasionally interrupt what little sleep we get in between feedings at night but I don't mind them a bit. I'm so sleep-deprived that I just go right back to slumberland, my sleep so sweet that I'm oblivious to the loud pitter-patter on the window even if it is right by my side of the bed (MY man was telling me that the other night it sounded like we were under a waterfall but I still didn't hear that!). Then when morning breaks, I find it a joy to wake up to raindrops on our windows, and sights of green and lush trees all around us.

So with the rainy season in full swing, MY man cannot take the river taxi to go to work like he used to. He's been driving to work everyday and that means his commute is longer. Rainy days in Bangkok is synonymous to really bad traffic (meaning, cars don't move at all for like thirty or so minutes at a time). The daddy is rarely home by five pm as was his old schedule. Some days our baby is already in bed settled for the night when her daddy arrives.

And that's the weather report : Rainy (but still hot and humid when it's not raining) with widespread thunderstorms. This is Mommy IA reporting from the Land of Smiles. Good day to y'all!

Back for Good? We'll See...

Hellos! It's been ages! I'm hoping to make a comeback to blogging. I've been itching to write, so many stories to share, just no time to put everything down in words. Crossing my fingers I'd have enough quiet time to at least give an update.

So, I am a new mommy! To the most adorable baby girl in the world! We call her Annie--her big brother, a.k.a. Kuya Roo insisted that Annie is her nickname--so we willingly oblige. She is my princess, just the darling baby girl that I've always dreamed of! God is so good! I am so blessed! Nothing more I can ask for. I am a content, happy mom of two.

That said, I'll see you around. Stories about my precious ones and my own bumpy but happy adventures in mommying coming right up!

Miracles Do Happen

What do you say to a child whose pet is clearly breathing its last few breaths? How do I explain it to my son that no, his fish has not learned to swim upside down, but that it is upside down because it is dying? His voice was full of pride and excitement when he told me that his Dorothy has finally learned to swim upside down like the janitor fish! With my heart jammed in my throat at his news, I rushed to the aquarium and saw his fish floating with its belly up, gasping for breath.

A quick call to MY man had me running to the kitchen. Since I am not able to change the water in the aquarium in my pregnant condition, he suggested that I fish Dorothy out of the aquarium and put him (yes, this Dorothy is a boy ;D) in a bowl. The daddy has been very busy lately and has not made time to change the water in the aquarium, and that could be the reason why Dorothy was dying again (yes, this happened before). I hurriedly scooped Dorothy into a bowl, then transferred him into a tiny aquarium. From the way the fish gasped for breath, it was time to say goodbye. He was mostly floating motionless on his back, and he hardly minded our prodding to get back to his business of swimming. Still, I encouraged Roo to get down on his knees and pray. I told him only a miracle from God can save Dorothy. We prayed together and his initial tearful prayer was this: Dear God, we are sad that Dorothy is dying. Please give us strength to take care of him. Amen.

In my mind, I was praying that God help my boy to accept the reality of death. This would be the second fish that he loved that he would be saying goodbye to, and he is so attached to anything/anyone he loves. I heard him praying again by himself a while later, and while we took turns encouraging the fish to keep swimming, I kept talking to him to make sure he understands that Dorothy might not make it. Just before he took his afternoon nap, he urged me to pray with him again.

My boy didn't make a fuss about napping--he usually does. He dozed right off to dreamland without a trace of worry in his face. His problem is in the hands of God and he trusts that the Creator is faithful in answering prayers. Me, the mommy couldn't even sleep. Never mind that I'm missing my needed rest, never mind that today I'm very tired from walking all morning at the baby fair. I had to check on Dorothy. So as soon as my son started snoring, I slipped out of our room. As I walked into the kitchen, my heart sank-- the fish that was hardly moving, hardly breathing and was floating upside down just before we went into the room, was not moving at all! But as I looked closely into the tank, I noticed that it was on its right-side up! And as I tapped the side of the tank, the Dorothy suddenly snapped into motion, swimming around like it had just awakened from deep sleep! A miracle! Praise the Lord!

The earnest prayer of my little boy was answered once again. I really have a lot to learn about faith from this little child that I am so blessed with.

Girl, Boy, Whatever.

Inspite of the practical side of me and the fact that I just love the way my boy adores me, I've been finding myself praying fervently that God answer my boys' prayers. They really want the baby to be a girl, and for their sakes, I've been wanting the baby to be a girl too. Maybe it won't be so bad to have a princess in our family--would sure teach my Roo to be more gentle. I know I would enjoy shopping for a girl--there are just so many cute and adorable outfits everywhere just waiting to be picked off the shelf. And it would perhaps be a welcome change to have a baby who wouldn't be all over the place all the time she's awake, just like the older brother, that is, if she won't be anything like my Roo. I envision my princess, quietly reading in her corner, or playing with her dolls without turning our place upside down. Such bliss that would be!

But after the visit with the sonographer, alas my hopes have been taking a nosedive, and I'm trying ever so hard to believe that things could still turn around. While it is still too early to tell definitely the gender of the baby, we saw 'something' several times that could mean we're getting Roo a brother. The doctor didn't want to confirm it but like MY man says, it's more like 80% positive that we're having another boy. I didn't know how to break the news to my little man, and when I did it, he was busy romping around with his lolo. When the news finally sank in and we were getting ready for bed that night, he had tears in his eyes, and he was fighting not to cry over the disappointing news. Despite that though, he's been telling people ever since that he might be getting a brother. But when he's alone with me, he talks about how sad he is that he cannot have a sister. My heart goes out to him, and I wish I have the power to give him what he wants. We keep telling him God knows what's best for him, and that we should be happy no matter what the baby is, we'll love him/her for who/what he/she is. And while there's still a chance that we might be wrong, the big brother is slowly starting to accept it, and talks about the games he will play with his brother. Whenever we discuss names, and we'd suggest a girl's name, he'd remind us that we should be thinking of boys' names instead because the baby is a brother. My little Roo sure is showing maturity that I'm so proud of--I don't have any doubts that he is going to be a wonderful big brother!