On Dreams and Insecurities

I was on my way to school. I was supposed to catch a jeepney. I was with my friends and I remember telling them my stop. The next thing I can recall was the feeling of frustration as I suddenly found myself stuffing laundry into a bag full of hangers. The bag was already bursting at the seams, and I still had books to put in it. It's like the more I try to fit the books in, the more clothes there seemed to be. I was in a state of panic as I know I had to be in class but there I was, stuck with all the laundry in the middle of nowhere.

Another time, I was in the classroom. My teacher announced a quiz and as my classmates scrambled to get paper, I was panicking because I didn't study for the test. How come I didn't know we were going to have a quiz? I remember opening my book really fast, and trying to cram whatever I could into my brain while everybody else was already writing their names on the paper, ready to start.

Still another time, my classmates were excitedly telling me about their project. We were discussing their work when one of them turned to me and asked me where my project was. It was only then that it occurred to me that I hadn't done anything! And the deadline was only a few hours away! I remember trying to come up with something, but the more I tried, the more I realized that I had no clue as to what I was supposed to do! As usual, I was panicking because I just don't know anything about it.

My dreams (or are these nightmares?) occur in different places, different settings. The characters change, sometimes I'm with my classmates in grade school, sometimes my friends in high school, and several times, the people in it were from university. One thing constant about these dreams are the feelings of frustration and panic. They're so vivid that I'm jerked awake with my heart racing. The dreams seem so real that it takes me a few minutes after I wake up to realize that they were just that--dreams! And they're becoming more frequent, used to be just once in a while, but now it's like every other night I have a dream of this kind--the kind where I'm always in school, but never able to do anything I'm supposed to do in school.

So does this mean I want to go back to school? Are my insecurities surfacing and showing themselves through my dreams? Probably. I've been yearning to study again, to engage my mind in learning things other than raising children. Don't get me wrong, I love what I'm doing, I'm having fun watching my kids grow. But I won't be completely honest if I don't admit to a tiny part of me that sometimes wishes I'm somewhere else, doing something else. When that time will come, I do not know. In the meantime, I am determined to stay at home with my children and live life with its ups and downs, with them and for them. I am after all preparing them for the Kingdom, and that to me, is of the utmost importance.