Every single day I've waken up to my mommy life, no matter how little sleep I had during the night, my soul can't help but give thanks to the Lord. My heart is filled to the brim, bursting with devotion and love for the adorable little creature He has entrusted to my care. More so when the little arms reach out to cuddle close to me, smile with his eyes still close, and say sleepily, "Good morning, mommy!"
It's hard to put it in words. There's this love that wells up within me whenever I gaze at my baby, whether he's sleeping peacefully, or jumping around so actively. Everyday the sensation becomes stronger. It's a feeling so profound and so intense. So indescribable that I guess one has to experience it to understand.
Friends tell me that it becomes even more fun when you have more children. This, for me, is kind of hard to fathom right now because I believe I'm already at my happiest. What will it be like to have another baby, I wonder? How much more happy could I be? Will I have enough love for my two children, and still have some left for myself and for my husband? How will I juggle myself and my time between all the members of my family?
I've been battling with this issue for quite a while now. I say it in the singular sense because Daddy E never had to ask himself this question. He knows that he wants another child. Whenever the subject comes up, he gets so excited he'll give me a rundown of the baby names he wants to call his daughter. He's really just waiting for the green light from my side. Even Roo is asking me every now and then, "Where's my little sister, mommy?" As if knowing I need more convincing on the baby sister issue, he'd tell me that he'll help change the baby's diaper. Sigh. I really don't know. Part of me welcomes the thought of one more little me, but then a big loud voice is also insisting, "Nah, not yet."
Nope. I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to square one. I still remember quite clearly the first trimester of my first pregnancy when days were synonymous to nausea and vomitting. I don't know how I survived those first three months when I hardly ate anything because everything smelled obnoxious. I spent so much time throwing up in the bathroom I was already considering moving in and living there. Then there's the labor and delivery. People inform me I was even lucky that my labor was short, just two hours. JUST two hours? Ha! Those were still two hours of acute and excruciating pain! I can still hear myself screaming for relief whenever I allow myself think about it.
In spite of myself, the memory of my son's emergence into this world is making me smile. This walk down memory lane is slowly shifting my thoughts to more pleasant and poignant memories. The birth of my son. Oh if that wasn't a touching and beautiful moment! The first time I heard my baby cry. The first time I saw him, all red and wrinkled. The first time I cradled him in my arms and called his name, how he squinted his tiny eyes to see me. That moment when he grasped my finger and held on tight, melting and taking possession of my heart! Oh I love my little Roo so much it hurts! Like every other devoted mother I say, "He is all worth it!" Being Roo's mommy is definitely the best thing that ever happened to me!
Come to think of it, maybe having a second baby won't be as difficult. It may be still be as exhausting, but like friends suggest, I'm tired anyways, might as well have another one and get it all over with. I actually kind of miss the smell of a new baby. I miss the closeness and bonding that came with breastfeeding. It would be fun to play with a little one again, without him or her running away to do his own thing like Roo does these days. And it would be good for Roo to have a brother or sister.
Hmm. Does this mean the idea of another baby is becoming more appealing? :)
Maybe. Maybe one day I'll get there. Maybe one day I will declare myself ready for my second miracle from above. Hopefully.
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