Haha! So much for the sound sleep I was imagining I'd have last night. Yesterday, my son's bed was delivered, and he was so excited about it that he didn't even ask to be cuddled to sleep. To my astonishment, he didn't even want me to get on his new bed! Yup, Roo is almost four, and all this time since he was about six months old, we've been co-sleeping. And yes, that's the reason why I haven't slept well all these years too! I am not much of a sleeper, as many of you already know, and having a growing boy cuddle next to me night after night, aggravates the problem. I just cannot sleep when someone's cuddling with me. I always have to wait till he's fast asleep then I detach myself from him. And if not cuddle, it's kicking that I get. Not intentionally of course, but still that's enough to wake me up and bring me back to square one on the sleeping process. How I wish I was like his dad who can sleep through all his cuddling, kicking, and whatever else!
So when Roo agreed to finally have his own bed, and sleep in his own bed, you bet I rejoiced! Suddenly there was light at the end of the tunnel for me. I might just get to re-experience what it's like to sleep soundly again. To be able to sleep through the night without a tiny hand tugging at my pajamas, or fumbling for my arms. Or be awakened by a kick in the face as the little creature beside me changes position as he revels in his dreams.
Nah-uh. Why?
Because...when my exhausted little Roo finally got sleepy, he asked his daddy to cuddle with him instead! That's when the sensitive, sentimental part of the mommy gave in. Suddenly, I had this overwhelming sense of sadness. Kind of similar to how I felt when I weaned him and stopped breastfeeding. Oh I wasn't prepared to be un-needed like that! I think when God created me the mommy, he inserted that emotional liking to being needed as part of my mommy survival kit. And now, my baby who started out as a blob physically attached to me, who used to be so helpless without me, suddenly could exist without me! It's like my heart went for a walk, and I'm not sure if it's ever coming back! Whoah! Now I have an idea how I'd feel when my son leaves home for college! I'm going to an emotional wreck! Help!
Sigh. One step at a time, dear. Got to get myself ready for the first day of school first. Oh wait, sorry. Got to get myself used to him sleeping in his own bed first. Almost forgot about that. You see, he woke up in the middle of the night, and found his way back in my arms. Who talked about losing so much sleep? Nah, not me. Not anymore! Call me sentimental. Call me a freak. But I'm a mommy. I'd gladly lose more sleep for now, just so I can have a few more nights to cuddle. Because for all I know, when the moment's gone, it's gone. When he discovers nights without sleeping beside mommy not that bad after all, I might never be able to coax him to come back and tug at me. Even for just one more cuddle.
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